Dhruva v/s "The form"

I, recently having tricked someone into employing me, am going to get paid for my efforts. Hence I find the need to open an account in a bank. I have a wide choice of 2 banks to open an account with, namely HDFC and Axis bank. Excellent. Since I tend to run as far away from any geometrical sounding terms, naturally I shirked away from Axis and went in for the other choice. That is where it all began.

How hard can it be to get yourself a silly piece of paper called an “account opening form?” Well the answer is Very with a capital V! My poor mum was the first person to have unsuccessfully tried to acquire the said form; she came back flustered not having remembered the name and address of my company. And hence I was personally required to get short leave and get myself a form. Fair enough, I did so at the next opportunity I got. Asked my HR executive where the nearest HDFC bank outlet was and I was on my way. Alas I was informed that the systems in the bank were down and I was shooed off to some other branch for the now infamous account opening form. Not knowing about the various branches of the wretched bank, I hauled my ass to the branch closest to my house. This was incidentally 12 kms away.40 degrees March sun, Bugger!

In this particular outlet I was conveniently ignored for around ten minutes until I mustered the courage to walk up to the bimbo who had perched herself under a board named ‘Customer Service’. Apparently the interview held for this post requires you to do nothing but display your teeth infinitely until the person in front of you can draw the layout from memory. “Ahem.. I was looking forward to opening an account with yourselves.” More teeth watching and then a very long phone call later I managed to mime that I wanted a darned form to open a bank account, a salary account. “But sir, you can’ do that in this branch, but let me check. What company do you work with sir?” I told her the name of my company, then spelt it out and she still mistyped it and said, “Sorry Sir seems like your company does not have a tie up with us.” I was flustered at this point in time, however she then did the wisest thing she done all day then after seeing the look on my face. She asked the bimbo who was parked beside her, the other one was slightly better off. That might have well been accidental though, you never know. So she instructed the first bimbo to give me a form and request that I submit it in some other office where they handle corporate account opening. Arggh.. U will need a letter from the company stating you are in their employment and a photocopy of your pancard.

So I return wary from battle, with hope that I shall conquer my personal battle with “the form” the next time. So assuming that getting the form was half the battle, I entered the office of my VP Accounts who happens to have the signing authority for events such as these. That done, with renewed vigour I marched myself…via my bike.. to the correct office with the form. I never discriminate on any grounds when it comes to fellow humans, but this was an exception. A rather portly fellar greeted me with the enthusiasm of Garfield greeting the Odie. I chose to ignore that. He reviewed my form with the practiced eye of a Math teacher and announced, “Sir your form is incorrectly filled up, this wont do and you have to get another one filled, stamped and signed. My hope deflated faster than a balloon does. Not again I thought. But he gave me hope saying that he could give me another instant account opening form, which If I got back with the right signature he could give me my account number, debit card and cheque book there and then. The battle wages on…

This has almost taken a week now and the next time I went to my VP for his signature, he scowled, in fact he might have been happier to see his dentist when he was 9. “What’s this again? Didn’t you come round last week for the same thing? And why is the form empty? How am I to sign if it does not have a name on it?” I wrote my name then and he signed, and then I was back to see my rotund friend. Alas he wasn’t in, and I had to repeat the entire rigamarole to him before he said, hang on a minute sir, you seem to have overwritten on your name. What? The exact same thing must have happened to me what happens to Tom every time Jerry retreats to his hole after having stolen the last piece of cheese in the house! U stupid man, I have crossed my “I’s” not overwritten on it. Jerk. He was alarmed at my reaction and then said that the form would be rejected, I ordered him to give it a shot anyway. So I went on to fill my form as per his highnesses guidelines. I ticked the box marked “DND” on the form, to which he said that “Sir, you are not allowed to tick that, no one does, I get hundreds of forms filled everyday!” I lost it completely this time, this was the last straw that broke the camels back, it took all my self control not to slap him silly then, I did as he said, took the ”welcome kit” and walked out.

Three days later he called me and said the form was rejected and asked if I could return the welcome kit or get another form filled and signed. The war it seems was over. My defeat was final. Such Agony!